She saw the older girl coming towards her, only stopping in her tracks once she had stopped by Krystal’s side. A tired smile was shown Krystal's way, making the younger girl feel slightly guilty about what she was going to tell her sister now.
"Hungry?" Jessica asked and placed one arm around the younger girl’s shoulders. Krystal shook her head no, making Jessica furrow her eyebrows.
"What's bothering you then?" Jessica asked confused.
As expected her sister could see something was wrong without her needing to say anything. She smiled apologetic at the older girl, locking gaze with her sister's.
"I don't wanna do this anymore." Krystal said. She could see the mix of emotions in her sister's eyes. Jessica furrowed her eyebrows, the arm around Krystal’s shoulders slipped off and the younger girl was met with a quizzically look.
"Being an idol?" Jessica asked. Krystal nodded her head. She felt relieved that her sister was quick-witted and got the hang of things quickly.
The younger sister gulped and observed Jessica´s expression. Jessica nodded her head like she understood what she meant, but Krystal could see Jessica had other things bothering her about this matter as well. She waited for Jessica to say or do something.
The older girl sighed and brushed her fingers through her locks, she looked at Krystal with a bitter smile and a small tilt of her head.
"What do you wanna do instead?" Jessica asked after a while.
Krystal gulped. Now it was time for the hard part. The hard announcement. She noticed Jessica had seen her hesitation, and the older girl lost her smile, and a bit of fear showed in Jessica´s eyes. Krystal bit her lower lip, fearing Jessica´s reaction to the next thing she would tell her sister.
"I want to study..." Krystal started. She could see Jessica relaxed some, but she knew the last part of that sentence was going to destroy some of Jessica´s life. "Abroad." She ended and watched how Jessica´s mask broke and her sister´s vulnerability was completely exposed.
She bit her lower lip and continued to observe Jessica that seemed like she had a hard time making out what she had just said. She gave the older girl the time she needed, watched as Jessica brushed her fingers through her hair a few moments, sighed, slump her shoulders, ruffled her hair only to have to straighten it out again, and then she turned towards her like she just had come to understand what Krystal just had said.
"Abroad?" Jessica asked, and Krystal heard it was no longer Jessica-understanding-sister-Jung that spoke. It was Jung-overprotective-older-sister-Sooyeon who was speaking. Krystal nodded her head and watched as Jessica sighed and brushed her fingers through her hair again, probably trying to go back to being the understanding sister again, but Krystal could see Jessica had realized the reality of what it would mean if Krystal went abroad, and she knew Jessica would have a hard time accepting that.
"Unnie won´t be there...you know." Jessica said and looked at Krystal with a pained expression. Krystal had to fight the urge to wrap the older girl in a hug. She didn´t want her to be in pain like this, and she shouldn´t need to, but Jessica was, Jessica was pained and scared, and all because of her, and Krystal knew Jessica wouldn´t have been like this if she hadn´t seen her suffer.
Krystal closed her eyes, thinking back to when her idol days had been really, really hard. It had been so hard, and the public had been so harsh towards her. It had been too much, too much and she had just wanted it all to end. And it almost had, she had been so close. But she had woken up, in the protective arms of her sister, to her name being whispered so softly, so desperately. The pained look on Jessica’s face she had seen there had made her regret her decision, but Jessica had never voiced her feeling about it, she had just showered her with love, understanding and caring and had helped her up on her feet again.
And after that day Jessica had never let her go. The older sister had always kept an eye on her, always made sure she was okay, always made sure that she was hugged a bit longer when she needed. Jessica had always been there after that.
And Krystal knew going abroad will make it hard for Jessica to be there. She had a feeling she would be fine, but she had doubts about whether Jessica would make it without being able to take care of her and be there when she needed.
She knew Jessica needed that kind of control. The control to make sure she was okay. To make sure she got to eat. Make sure nothing would bring her down like that ever again.
But being in different countries would make that difficult for Jessica.
"I know." She replied after seconds of silence between them. Jessica looked relieved but the pain was still there, and Krystal wanted nothing but to take it away in some way. "But unnie...I think I´ll be fine." She said. She could see the inner protest Jessica was keeping inside of her. She wasn´t sure if she was happy the older girl wasn´t arguing against her or not, but she didn´t say anything and waited for Jessica to get her mind together and come up with something to say.
Jessica gulped and she opened her mouth. Her lower lip was trembling, Krystal noted. She thought Jessica had gone paler, and she feared that Jessica might even faint.
“I have my work here…I won’t be able to see you every day.” Jessica’s voice cracked. And that was enough for Krystal. She wrapped her arms around the older girl, hugged her tighter, feeling Jessica hugging her back so tight she had it slightly hard to breathe.
“I know unnie. But I don’t want you to leave your work. I want you to continue living your life, even if I’m abroad.” Krystal whispered into Jessica’s ear.
She felt the older girl took a deep inhale. Jessica’s nails scraped the skin of Krystal’s back when she clutched the shirt she was wearing, and Krystal didn’t move or say anything and just let her sister hold on to her.
“I don’t want to lose you.” Jessica spoke and Krystal realized her older sister was crying. It pained her that she had made her sister like this. She took a deep breath, trying to brace herself against her own tears.
“Soojung-ah…I almost lost you once. I don’t want to lose you again. You’re too important…” Jessica cried. Krystal gulped. She tried hard to fight her own tears, and so she hugged Jessica a little tighter. Hoping the familiar warmth and smell of her sister could calm her down a bit.
“I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I let myself lose you…” Jessica later added. And it was all it took for Krystal’s dam to break. The tears run freely down her cheeks, and she realized her decision wasn’t so easy anymore. It wouldn’t be easy for her or for her sister to be away from each other.
A sniffled escaped her lips and she felt Jessica tense in her arms. She panicked when she had revealed she was crying and when she felt Jessica tried to pull away from her she was hesitant, but she soon let Jessica pull away from her enough to look her in the face.
Her eyebrows furrowed and she was biting her lip in guilt when she met Jessica’s concerned eyes. Jessica too had tears streaming down her eyes, and her face still showed the pain the girl was probably feeling inside.
“It’s going to be hard…” Jessica mumbled and Krystal felt Jessica wipe away the tears on her cheeks. She closed her eyes at the comforting feeling. She felt Jessica cup her face and she was pulled down so the older girl could kiss her forehead.
“I’ll still let you go. If that’s what you want, I’ll support you.” Jessica mumbled. Krystal just nodded her head, fearing her voice would fail her if she spoke. She saw Jessica smiling bitterly at her, she tilted her head to the side.
“You grow too fast for me.” Jessica suddenly said. Krystal blinked surprised by her sister’s statement and it brought a wider smile to Jessica’s lips. “You grow, and you want to do new things. I know I can’t be stuck to you forever, I know that one day I have to let you go to let you walk your own path.” Jessica whispered and looked down at Krystal’s shirt, fixing it a bit like it would work as a distraction.
Jessica looked up and met the younger girl’s gaze. And Krystal swore this had been the worst thing she had done in her entire life. She felt more tears stream down her eyes, it brought a sorrowful expression to Jessica’s face.
“Hey…don’t cry. If you want to go, go then. I knew you didn’t like the entertainment industry. I know it has been difficult for you for the past years. We’ll work it out. Unnie will buy a private jet so she can come see you whenever she has time.” Jessica said.
The last part brought a smile to Krystal’s lips and Jessica seemed to get relieved when she had lightened up the younger girl’s mood again.
“Will you learn how to fly a plane as well?” Krystal joked. It brought a bigger smiled to Jessica’s lips, and Krystal felt she as being pulled closer to the older girl.
“Of course. Your unnie can do anything when she puts her mind to it.” Jessica said.
Krystal smiled and felt Jessica wipe away the remaining tears on her cheeks before she was pulled closer to the older girl. She felt Jessica sigh and the arms around Krystal’s waist tightened.
“We’ll figure it out. If you want to go we’ll figure it out.” Jessica mumbled.
And Krystal trusted her; because her sister always managed do fix things somehow.
- We'll figure it out